Dear Dr Greenson,

Just now when I looked out the hospital window where the snow had covered everything, suddenly everything is kind of muted green. There are grass and shabby evergreen bushes, though the trees give me a little hope - and the desolate bare branches promise maybe there will be a spring and maybe they promise hope.

Did you see 'The Misfits' yet? In one sequence you can perhaps see how bare and strange a tree can be for me. I don't know if it comes across that way for sure on the screen - I don't like some of the selections in the takes they used. As I started to write this letter about four quiet tears had fallen. I don't know quite why.

Last night I was awake all night again. Sometimes I wonder what the night time is for. It almost doesn't exist for me - it all seems like one long, long horrible day. Anyway, I thought I'd try to be constructive about it and started to read the letters of Sigmund Freud. When I first opened the book I saw the picture of Freud inside, opposite the title page and I burst into tears - he looked very depressed (the picture must have been taken near the end of his life), as if he died a disappointed man. But Dr Kris said he had much physical pain which I had known from the Jones book. I know this, to, to be so, but still I trust my instincts because I see a sad disappointment in his gentle face. The book reveals (though I am not sure anyone's love letters should be published) that he wasn't a stiff! I mean his gentle, sad humor and even a striving was eternal in him. I haven't gotten very far yet because at the same time I'm reading Sean O'Casey's first autobiography. This book disturbs me very much, and in a way one should be disturbed for these things, after all.

There was no empathy at Payne Whitney - it had a very bad effect on me. They put me in a cell (I mean cement blocks and all) for very disturbed, depressed patients, except I felt I was in some kind of prison for a crime I hadn't committed. The inhumanity there I found archaic. They asked me why I wasn't happy there (everything was under lock and key, things like electric lights, dresser drawers, bathrooms, closets, bars concealed on the windows - and the doors have windows so the patients can be visible all the time. Also, the violence and marking still remain on the walls from former patients). I answered: 'Well, I'd have to be nuts if I like it here'! Then there were screaming women in their cells - I mean, they screamed out when life was unbearable for them, I guess and at times like this I felt an available psychiatrist should have talked to them, perhaps to alleviate even temporarily their misery and pain. I think they (the doctors) might learn something, even - but they are interested only in something they studied in books. Maybe from some life-suffering human being they could discover more - I had the feeling they looked more for discipline and that they let their patients go after the patients have 'given up.' They asked me to mingle with the patients, to go out to O.T. (Occupational Therapy). I said, 'And do what?' They said: 'You could sew or play checkers, even cards, and maybe knit.' I tried to explain that the day I did that they would have a nut on their hands. These things were farthest from my mind. They asked me why I felt I was 'different' from the other patients, so I decided if they were really that stupid I must give them a very simple answer, so I said, 'I just am'

The first day I did mingle with a patient. She asked me why I looked so sad and suggested I could call a friend and perhaps not be so lonely. I told her that they had told me that there wasn't a phone on that floor. Speaking of floors, they are all locked - no one could go in and no one could go out. She looked shocked and shaken and said, 'I'll take you to the phone' - and whilst I waited in line for my turn for the use of the phone, I observed a guard (since he had on a gray knit uniform), and as I approached the phone he straight-armed the phone and said very sternly, 'you can't use the phone.' By the way, they pride themselves in having a home-like atmosphere there. I asked them (the doctors) how they figured that. They answered, 'Well, on the sixth floor we have wall-to-wall carpeting and modern furniture,' to which I replied, 'Well, that any good interior decorator could provide - providing there are funds for it,' but since they are dealing with human beings, I asked, why couldn't they perceive the interior or a human being?

The girl that told me about the phone seemed such a pathetic and vague creature. She told me after the straight-arming, 'I didn;t know they would do that.' Then she said 'I'm here because of my mental condition - I have cut my throat several times and slashed my wrists,' she said either three or four times.

Oh, well, men are climbing to the moon but they don't seem interested in the beating human heart. Still, one can change them but wont - by the way, that was the original theme of The Misfits - no one even caught that part of it. Partly because, I guess, the changes in the script and some of the distortions in the direction.

Later:

I know I will never be happy but I know I can be gay! Remember I told you Kazan said I was the gayest girl he ever knew and believe me, he has known many. But he loved me for one year and once rocked me to sleep on night when I was in great anguish. He also suggested that I go into analysis and later wanted me to work with Lee Strasberg.

Was it Milton who wrote: 'The happy ones were never born'? I know at least two psychiatrists who are looking for a more positive approach.

This morning, March 2:

I didn't sleep again last night. I forgot to tell you something yesterday. When they put me into the first room on the sixth floor I was not told it was a psychiatric floor. Dr Kris said she was coming the next day. The nurse came in after the doctor, a psychiatrist, had given me a physical examination including examining the breast for lumps. I took exception to this but not violently, only explaining that the medical doctor who had put me there, a stupid man named Dr Lipkin, had already done a complete physical less than thirty days before. But when the nurse came in, I noticed there was no way of buzzing or reaching for a light to call the nurse. I asked why this was and some other things, and she said this is a psychiatric floor. After she went out I got dressed and then was when the girl in the hall told me about the phone. I was waiting at the elevator door which looks like all other doors with a door knob except it doesn't have any numbers (you see, they left them all out). After the girl spoke with me and told me what she had done to herself, I went back into my room knowing they had lied to me about the telephone and I sat on the bed trying to figure that if I was given this situation in an acting improvisation, what would I do? So I figured, it's a squeaky wheel that gets the grease. I admit it was a loud squeak, but I got the idea from a movie I made once called Don't Bother to Knock. I picked up a light-weight chair and slammed it against the glass, intentionally - and it was hard to do because I had never broken anything in my life. I took a lot of banging to get even a small piece of glass, so I went over with the glass concealed in my hand and sat quietly on the bed waiting for them to come in. They did, and I said to them, 'If you are going to treat me like a nut, I'll act like a nut.' I admit the next thing is corny, but I really did it in the movie except it was with a razor blade. I indicated if they didn't let me out I would harm myself - the farthest thing from my mind at the moment, since you know, Dr Greenson, I am an actress and would never intentionally mark or mar myself, I'm just that vain. I didn't cooperate with them in any way because I couldn't believe in what they were doing. They asked me to go quietly but I refused to move, staying on the bed so they picked me up by all fours, two hefty men and two hefty women and carried me up to the seventh floor in the elevator. I must say at least they had the decency to carry me face down. I just wept quietly all the way there and then was put in the cell I told you about tand that ox of a woman , one of those hefty ones, said, 'Take a bath.' I told her I had just taken one on the sixth floor. She said very sternly, 'As soon as you change floors, you have to take another bath.' The man who runs that place, a high-school principal type, although Dr Kris refers to him as an 'administrator,' he was actually permitted to talk to me, questioning me somewhat like an analyst. He told me I was a very, very sick girl and had been a very, very sick girl for many years. He looks down on his patients. He asked me how I could possibly work when I was depressed. He wondered if that interfered with my work. He was being very firm and definite in the way he said it. He actually stated it more than he questioned me,. so I replied, 'Don't you think that perhaps Greta Garbo and Charlie Chaplin and Ingrid Bergman had been depressed when they worked sometimes?' It's like saying a ball player like DiMaggio couldn't hit a ball when he was depressed. Pretty silly.

By the way, I have some good news, sort of, since I guess I helped. He claims I did@ Joe said I saved his life by sending him to a psychotherapist. Dr Kris said that he is a very brilliant man, the doctor. Joe said he pulled himself by his own bootstraps after the divorce but he told me also that if he had been he would have divorced him, too. Christmas night he sent a forest-full of poinsettias. I asked who they were from since it was such a surprise - my friend Pat Newcomb was there and they had just arrived then. She said, 'I don't know, the card just says, "Best, Joe" Then I replied,  'Well, there's only one Joe.' Because it was Christmas night I called him up and asked him why he had sent me the flowers. He said, 'First of all, because I thought you would call me to thank me,' and then he said, 'Besides, who in the hell else do you have in the world?' He asked me to have a drink some time with him I said I knew he didn't drink, but he said occasionally now he takes a drink, to which I replied then it would have to be a very, very dark place! He asked me what I was doing Christmas night. I said nothing, I;m here with a friend. Then he asked me to come over and I was glad he was coming, though I must say I was bleary and depressed, but somehow still glad he was coming over. I think I had better stop because you have other things to do, but thanks for listening for a while.

Marilyn M